Feb 22, 2022·edited Feb 22, 2022Liked by Mike Trapp
Wow ! This comparison of 1st vs final draft is mind blowing. I don't know why, in my head I was thinking that the final version of the sketch was written like that on the first try by the great almighty Brennan. But I'm thrilled to learn how the team effort made this sketch much better. That's crazy.
That prompts the question : have you sometimes felt that you shouldn't even show a first draft because it's really not good enough ? I feel like that about some things I write, but this post inspires me to say : maybe I should show them anyways and whatever happens... In fact : when is a first draft ready to be shown ? Before this, I was thinking very conservatively about this : never show something you're not already proud of.
I think it's very common to feel like your first draft isn't good enough. But it shouldn't be! It's a first draft. I think it's a good standard to say "don't perform work you're not proud of," but you should feel comfortable showing sloppy drafts to trusted people. You're sharing your work for notes because you suspect something isn't working and you want to make changes. If you already think your piece is perfect, you're probably not going to have a very productive notes session.
But this is exactly why I wanted to share these two drafts. Things CAN change a lot between drafts and you shouldn't feel any shame in that. That's just part of the process!
I have trouble showing things I'm not proud of too because you only get one first impression of a draft (it feels like). I kinda work out from comfortable to uncomfortable:
first show is close friend/person I trust to know what I'm going for but has a different set of eyes,
Then I edit and show it to some people I respect who do the same thing I do (writers who aren't established),
Then I show it to people who might get invested with me and change it because they love it too (writers, actors, directors, and anyone who will look at it critically who knows what they're talking about but different domains),
Then I show it to people who I think would like it (consumers, target audience sample)....
That's the ideal world version of my steps, but I regularly jump from other writers opinions to either the trash of trying to produce it.
Everyone has different people their comfortable with too, and at different points in their life.
In highschool I couldn't show work to people I trusted because their opinion mattered, but strangers could read my work and say whatever — no biggy (that wasn't very helpful for me though).
I do actually have people in all those roles... Weird. I never thought about it till now 🤔 I don't have as many as I'd like in all of them but I do have a few in all of them. Target audience is hardest for me because I don't always know who I'm writing for when I start a project.
Thanks to Brennan for sharing these two versions of the script! I love this sketch, and it’s so fascinating to see how it evolved from its original concept.
When trying to think of where I’d possibly add a beat, I was drawn to the joke about the Crest dinner paste. I feel like it could possibly be heightened more to continue the game of inedible products looking edible, while still keeping the joke about how they’re literally just selling food now (which I think is really funny).
Maybe after introducing the food product, he introduces a nearly identical toothpaste product called meal bag FLAVORED toothpaste, which is 100% NOT edible. The CEO holds the two identical tubes up, one that’s edible and one that isn’t, and doesn’t understand how no one can see that this is an accident waiting to happen. (Or maybe it would work better if the inedible toothpaste was introduced first? I couldn’t decide which version would be best, if the added joke even works at all.)
Thoughts on the rough sketch- This doesn't really seem like it has a strong game. It's a CEO that's mad for good reason. Maybe it could be made into a game of how greedy a CEO is. Like they're saying "Don't eat the Tide Pods" but adding in a bunch of subliminal messages that it's actually okay to eat tide pods because he just wants people to buy more of them. It would make the Dish soap lollipop at the end a funny reveal because we would see that the CEO truly doesn't care and is in fact leaning into the danger for profit.
Alternatively- maybe the CEO of Tide is hired at a candy company after their fall from grace but can only makes candy that looks like cleaning products.
Taking your suggestion on the game:
GAME: Exasperated CEO realizes all his inedible products can be confused for food, just like Tide Pods.
I think it might be funny to introduce each product more edible than the last until the CEO is in a rage- the final person introduces a pre-stain treatment that looks like eye drops and the CEO is like "Finally a good idea! Start production ASAP!"
The greedy CEO idea made me think of an old Bo Burnham song "love is" where a person founded a rape whistle buisness with good intentions, but now the decline in rape would lead to a decline in whistle sales 😂
Were I to take this in another direction or look for another game, I might put the focus on the people in R&D who are trying their best to create something that won't turn into the latest child-endangering fad. I don't know that the beats themselves would be different, but I could see it following a week-by-week series of meetings showcasing all the grim tragedies that keep befalling children no matter how many steps they take to make them safe but still marketable.
I also like the idea that R&D keeps making 'normal' products, but market research says that no one will buy them until they realize that the sample is always done at an elementary school 😂
Wow! The format of reading the example and then your analysis really works 😁 thanks for that change. This was a great read, also one of my favorite sketches.
Wow ! This comparison of 1st vs final draft is mind blowing. I don't know why, in my head I was thinking that the final version of the sketch was written like that on the first try by the great almighty Brennan. But I'm thrilled to learn how the team effort made this sketch much better. That's crazy.
That prompts the question : have you sometimes felt that you shouldn't even show a first draft because it's really not good enough ? I feel like that about some things I write, but this post inspires me to say : maybe I should show them anyways and whatever happens... In fact : when is a first draft ready to be shown ? Before this, I was thinking very conservatively about this : never show something you're not already proud of.
Thanks again for the great post.
I think it's very common to feel like your first draft isn't good enough. But it shouldn't be! It's a first draft. I think it's a good standard to say "don't perform work you're not proud of," but you should feel comfortable showing sloppy drafts to trusted people. You're sharing your work for notes because you suspect something isn't working and you want to make changes. If you already think your piece is perfect, you're probably not going to have a very productive notes session.
But this is exactly why I wanted to share these two drafts. Things CAN change a lot between drafts and you shouldn't feel any shame in that. That's just part of the process!
I have trouble showing things I'm not proud of too because you only get one first impression of a draft (it feels like). I kinda work out from comfortable to uncomfortable:
first show is close friend/person I trust to know what I'm going for but has a different set of eyes,
Then I edit and show it to some people I respect who do the same thing I do (writers who aren't established),
Then I show it to people who might get invested with me and change it because they love it too (writers, actors, directors, and anyone who will look at it critically who knows what they're talking about but different domains),
Then I show it to people who I think would like it (consumers, target audience sample)....
That's the ideal world version of my steps, but I regularly jump from other writers opinions to either the trash of trying to produce it.
Everyone has different people their comfortable with too, and at different points in their life.
In highschool I couldn't show work to people I trusted because their opinion mattered, but strangers could read my work and say whatever — no biggy (that wasn't very helpful for me though).
Wow. You really got people to show your sketches to in all those roles ? I've only got target audience basically. Nobody writes around me.
I do actually have people in all those roles... Weird. I never thought about it till now 🤔 I don't have as many as I'd like in all of them but I do have a few in all of them. Target audience is hardest for me because I don't always know who I'm writing for when I start a project.
Thanks to Brennan for sharing these two versions of the script! I love this sketch, and it’s so fascinating to see how it evolved from its original concept.
When trying to think of where I’d possibly add a beat, I was drawn to the joke about the Crest dinner paste. I feel like it could possibly be heightened more to continue the game of inedible products looking edible, while still keeping the joke about how they’re literally just selling food now (which I think is really funny).
Maybe after introducing the food product, he introduces a nearly identical toothpaste product called meal bag FLAVORED toothpaste, which is 100% NOT edible. The CEO holds the two identical tubes up, one that’s edible and one that isn’t, and doesn’t understand how no one can see that this is an accident waiting to happen. (Or maybe it would work better if the inedible toothpaste was introduced first? I couldn’t decide which version would be best, if the added joke even works at all.)
Well hello
Just because I like to write along as I read:
Thoughts on the rough sketch- This doesn't really seem like it has a strong game. It's a CEO that's mad for good reason. Maybe it could be made into a game of how greedy a CEO is. Like they're saying "Don't eat the Tide Pods" but adding in a bunch of subliminal messages that it's actually okay to eat tide pods because he just wants people to buy more of them. It would make the Dish soap lollipop at the end a funny reveal because we would see that the CEO truly doesn't care and is in fact leaning into the danger for profit.
Alternatively- maybe the CEO of Tide is hired at a candy company after their fall from grace but can only makes candy that looks like cleaning products.
Taking your suggestion on the game:
GAME: Exasperated CEO realizes all his inedible products can be confused for food, just like Tide Pods.
I think it might be funny to introduce each product more edible than the last until the CEO is in a rage- the final person introduces a pre-stain treatment that looks like eye drops and the CEO is like "Finally a good idea! Start production ASAP!"
The greedy CEO idea made me think of an old Bo Burnham song "love is" where a person founded a rape whistle buisness with good intentions, but now the decline in rape would lead to a decline in whistle sales 😂
Were I to take this in another direction or look for another game, I might put the focus on the people in R&D who are trying their best to create something that won't turn into the latest child-endangering fad. I don't know that the beats themselves would be different, but I could see it following a week-by-week series of meetings showcasing all the grim tragedies that keep befalling children no matter how many steps they take to make them safe but still marketable.
I also like the idea that R&D keeps making 'normal' products, but market research says that no one will buy them until they realize that the sample is always done at an elementary school 😂
Wow! The format of reading the example and then your analysis really works 😁 thanks for that change. This was a great read, also one of my favorite sketches.